World Autism Awareness Day...

is April 2nd if you didn't know.  I wouldn't know if I didn't have an Autistic son myself, but it was this month last year when our little world changed.  Last year in April is when Sam quit talking.  It's also when he quit looking at people and started the moaning and quit playing with toys and and and...  I could go on forever. 

It all finally hit me seeing him around other people at Dylan's birthday party.  He wasn't just shy or being stubborn; something was tragically wrong with him.  I wish it didn't happen.  I wish I knew why it happened.  I wish I could freeze time to have the other version of my Sammy back.  It still feels like I have had a child taken away from me, like I've lost him.  I'm being honest, but don't get me wrong; I still love him to pieces and believe in him.  I don't want pity and I hope everyone else can and will take Sam for what he is, what he can aspire to be, and see how sweet and awesome he really is.

I swear this boy is like the real-life Caillou, he'll never grow a full head of hair. Ha!

I try not to be down about it.  I don't let his Autism consume my every living moment and thought.  I think more to making all of our lives as normal and happy as possible instead.  I'm not in denial by no means.  Therapies and diets won't completely fix my Sam, but slowly will alleviate some of his issues.  He's not going to be "normal" and I'm getting to the point where I'm okay with that, because, well, I have to be.  I celebrate all the little things he has progressed to do.  Life is going to continue to go on.  I choose to be as positive and optimistic as possible.

I miss this. Holding him on my lap, no squirming, totally content.

 

Now I'm not Mary Frickin' Sunshine, but I refuse to live my life as a Debbie Downer.  I still have my days and moments.  I don't enjoy scrapbooking anymore for instance.  It outright sucks to document the times when everything was fine and knowing it will never be like that anymore.  It also sucks trying to scrapbook the present, because it just reminds me and starts those negative thoughts.  There's only so much I can do and I'm trying my best everyday to better Sam.  Dwelling over every new study and news article isn't going to change anything for us, except make me more depressed about what I can't change.  Even if Sam gets worse with age, every little thing is gonna be alright, because when you think about it, it really does get to the point where you can accept that it's alright.

It's my mantra.

Now onto actual awareness... I don't tell every person on the street that Sam is Autistic.  Sure, workers in the church nursery know, close friends, and of course my ,family; but I don't feel the need to tell every single person.  I'm not embarrassed.  If he has a meltdown around someone that doesn't know, then oh well.  He starts saying LA LA LA over and over again non-stop, again, oh well.  I do a little trick my Grandma taught me: Just smile and nod - smile and nod.  I don't care what people think of me.  No, really, I don't.  I don't feel it's my job to run around educating everyone about Autism either.  But for the sake of this blog post about awareness; there are some things I wish people did know, things I wish were common knowledge to everyone, like:

• There's a quote somewhere out there that basically says this:  "You've seen one person with Autism, then you've seen ONE person with Autism."  This is true!  That's why it's called the Autism Spectrum.  Every person with Autism has different traits and behaviors.  Some are worse than others. How you have seen one Autistic person behave in a Lifetime movie, is not how ALL Autistic people are like.

• Speaking of movies, Autism does not mean my child will grow up to be like the Rain Man.  

• It also doesn't mean my child will be some prodigy like you have seen on The Discovery Channel that can figure out any math equation, memorize every baseball stat, or can paint an entire city view with one glance.  There's a reason these people are documented on these type shows, because they are unique situations.
  

 

I asked Sam to smile for the camera and this is the huge, cheese grin he gave me!

• Autistic people are capable of having feelings and most do express and show feelings of love.  Sammy can give hugs, smile, and laugh.  Just because an Autistic person isn't looking at you or saying anything, doesn't mean they aren't listening and comprehending.  Lots of Autistic adults go off to college, get married, and raise children of their own just fine.  Maybe not ALL Autistic children will grow up able to be a member of productive society, but it has been done.  Sam is not brain-dead.  With the early intervention we are receiving, I have high hopes for my son.

• Many Autistic people do understand the word "no."  Sam is diagnosed in the moderate to severe range of Autism and understands this.  He may not behave like I would always wish, but he is capable at times when he wants.
  

• I have heard many times said to me, "Oh he's Autistic, he has no fear."  This is not true.  For example:  Sam is a climber, but he does understand he can fall and hurt himself.  If he didn't, he wouldn't teeter on the edge.  He would fall down all the time, every time.  He's a boy!  That's how boys are!  If he hurts his hand on something, he doesn't immediately go and do it again. And sometimes, he does, but he's just "testing the waters" so to say.  He tries to figure out how much he can do before he does hurt himself, but that's a part of learning and his personality. 

Sammy & Cliff - my handsome men

• All Autistic people are NOT alike, in Sam's case he is generally good-natured and not violent.  Just because he's Autistic, it does not mean he is a complete menace unable to be disciplined.  If he is misbehaving and pushing a kid, I want to know so I can try my best to correct this in him.  I don't use his Autistic behaviors as an excuse because I think he's some "special angel" which grants him some pass allowing him to get away with anything.  I know he can be naughty just like any of other kiddo.  Maybe he can't help a lot of things, but it doesn't excuse violence towards others.  But there's also a line of what some think is misbehaving where I see as just fine, like with him opening and closing a cabinet door for an hour.  It's fun to him.  He knows exactly where to stop the door so he won't squish his fingers too.  Yeah, I'm aware it's annoying, but he's not hurting anyone by doing it. 

• Just because I have one Autistic child does not mean all my children will develop Autism.  I think I read that my new baby only has like a 2 - 8% chance of being Autistic.  Yes, I worry that it could happen and I will love him just the same as I do with Sam should that occur, but Brett's not totally destined to be Autistic.

• But the number one thing that I wish people knew is that Autism DOES exist.  I didn't invent it to have an excuse why Sam doesn't talk or acts the way he does.  I don't want to hear things like, "Well Einstein didn't talk til he was 5" or whatever.  Or "Sam's just taking his time."  Or "If you would refuse him things until you forced him, he would do it."  I'm not being lazy and I spend a ton of time with Sammy.  Don't tell me that you think he seems fine after spending some time with him.  I'm not exaggerating for kicks and attention.  Ask yourself, why would I want Autism for my child?  Why would I take him to these doctors and spend all this money and time?  I would LOVE for him to be like other typical children and our ultimate goal is for him to resemble something close to that as possible. 

I sometimes consider making pamphlets to hand to the people unaware of what Autism really is with all these points above, but I've come to realize people don't care unless it affects their life.  It really is easier and allows me to live happier to continue to just smile and nod, smile and nod.

Thank You Jenny

 

So yeah, this song probably wasn't written in mind in what it means to how I interpret it, but it touches at me.

"We all have a weakness; but some of ours are easy to identify, look me in the eye...
So when weakness turns my ego up; I know you'll count on the me from yesterday if I turn into another. Dig me up from under what is covering, the better part of me..."

For about 3 or 4 months, I've felt something is off with Sammy.  I hate to admit, but I am a cynical person.  I'm not outwardly pessimistic at all, anyone that hangs out with me would probably describe me as a lot of fun to be around. I was a counselor at a camp for special needs kids for 2 1/2 summers.  I had the autistic and ADHD kids in my groups those summers.  I know what autism looks like for sure.  But with Sam, I kept it all inside to myself.  Maybe I didn't want to admit it?  I made up tons of excuses for everything. 

Why does he have no interest in Little People and their playsets like Dylan did?  Sam just thinks that sorta thing is boring I suppose.  He loves trucks, but not to roll them around; he wants to spin the tire and moan at it for an hour.  He is just really super smart and mechanical minded like Cliff is all!  That's why he likes opening and slamming a door for hours - just figuring out how it works.  Oh, that's kinda cute, he's making himself dizzy spinning around in circles.  He's just teething right now, that's why he's not talking so much right now.  He walked early.  Sam is just more focused on moving around to chase his brother instead of talking and playing with toys.  He's independent, that's why he won't sit in my lap for me to read to him.  -- This list of things seriously just goes on and on. --

Then I started to realize the only words he says anymore are "Momma" and "Daddy".  Then that even condensed down to "Ma" and barely any "Da" sounds.  He used to even say Spongebob and kitty cat for goodness sakes.  Why won't he answer to me when I call him?  Why doesn't he point?  Or clap?  Or at least shake his head yes and no?  What has happened?  I took him to the doctor and since he's only 19 months, Sam is "classified" for right now as suspected autism or however they wanna word it.  I don't want this, but it feels good to know I'm not crazy and there really is something going on with my Baby Sam.

I never got "oh woe is me" about all of this, which surprises me actually.  I'm a little offbeat and easy-going, never like those perfectionist Stepford type wives.  If my child gets weird looks for spinning in circles and moaning, I'm the type that would join in with him.  I'm not trying to make this about myself, because it definitely isn't; but this is sort of a little pep-talk I give myself.  God knew I was strong enough to handle this.  I've always been about preserving the child-like spirits in children, catering to their little quirks so they can become their own person.  It may mean I have a rambunctious child - a.k.a. Dylan, my oldest son - but when I hear his imagination and creativity when he tells me the stories he makes, I know all is worth that.  So if Sammy wants to walk around the outside of the yard and pass his hand over the chain-link fence instead of playing on the kiddie slide, I'm okay with that.

Word got around about Sam and tons of well-meaning people were soon calling me and emailing me.  I'm not embarrassed about Sam at all, but it was just something I didn't want to discuss with people that I am just acquaintances with.  And all these people seemed to think autism meant my son wouldn't hug me anymore, be in some sort of catatonic state, and would start confusing symptoms with all sorts of crazy things.  Being the Southern raised girl I am, I smiled and nodded; but oh my goodness, I was done with even listening to any of this anymore.  The tid-bit that would make me roll my eyes the most and I kept hearing was about how Jenny McCarthy cured her child with a diet.  I was at the point that if one more person mentioned Jenny McCarthy and if it wasn't related to MTV, I was going to scream!  Then, that day a family member dropped off her book to me at home.  May I mention it was a family member I barely talk to and found out about Sammy through a chain of 3 people - all which none I had told myself.  But again, I smiled and nodded and the moment the door closed, threw the book across the room.  I got us all ready for church that night and was taking Sam for his first time to Awanas where he would get to play with children his own age.  I stayed with him and that's when all of this really hit me.  Seeing him in comparison of all the other children is when my heart really broke.

I got over myself and read the damn Jenny McCarthy book.  And holy crap, besides the seizures, her child and Sam could have been twins - all the way down to playing with straws and slamming doors for fun.  Then it dawned on me, Sam's speech regression started around the same time I was weaning Sam from his bottle of soy formula to Lactaid to sippie cups of whole milk.  I started the autism diet the next day.  It's been about two weeks now and there are DEFINITE improvements.  I don't care what any news article or doctor wants to tell me, it works.  We had to get rid of his favorite nutrigrain bars and no more spaghettiOs, but it's a lot easier than I had originally thought.  I make up a huge batch of a dinner type food like lasagna or a casserole at the beginning of the week and pop in a portion in the microwave.  Sam is a picky eater and likes eating the same things over and over.  I add the veggies he hates by grating them in to hide them.  Thankfully, he loves fruit and yogurt.  I know these foods that cost more and all the explaining I have to do to family members that want to give him Oreo's and Cheetos is all worth it when I see my husband bust into tears because his son looked him in the eye and said, "Daaaaaaaaaaaddy" with his arms open to him.  He's not looking out of the side of his eyes.  He's cut down on all the stims/tics/obsession type things.  He's recognizing people.  He's saying words again - UP!, Dylan, Martha, Papa, No, Ba-ba.  When he looks at things, it seems as though he's finally looking at them, almost like he had cataracts before and that's been removed now.  There's a lot more, this is just what comes to mind now.  Family members can tell as well, so I know it's not just me imagining things with too much hope.  Everything about him just seems genuine now.  Even if this is the most improvement that results because of the diet, it's still worth it.  And no matter what, I will strive to let my Sammy be Sammy.  I love him. 

Sam the Gnome

I love gnomes. I'm a gnome fanatic! I used to watch the cartoon David the Gnome as a kid. I think that is what started the Gnome Love. Cliff is freaked out by gnomes, otherwise I'd make sure the neighbors hate us more and deck the entire yard out in gnomes. Well... guess what I got in the mail today?
Do not even try to tell me that is NOT the cutest thing ever! I have a gnome baby and you don't! Nanna nanna boo boo! Don't you just wanna kiss his little old-man looking self. We have little nicknames for one another and Sam has always been the wizard or the gnome. Now he really is!

Nadia, of Nadcraft on Etsy, made this darling hat for my Sammy. I had made her a banner and avatar for her Etsy shop and she offered to make this up for me. The little card that came along with the hat even said, "For Baby Gnome"! So frickin' cute!

Of course, as sibling rivalry usually goes, now Dylan wants one. He behaved well though. I think Dylan was as excited as me over the gnome hat. I was running through the house singing GNOMIE GNOMIE! When I put the hat on Sam, he started doing his little nose crinkle-smiley-snorty kinda laugh. He never tried to take it off or nothing, yay!

The hat was made to be tied under the chin, but Sam kept trying to eat it, as he does with most things lately. It stays on just fine tied behind his big ol' head.

So, yup, Sam will be a gnome for Halloween and I'm thrilled. I think I'll skip out on a beard and say he is a gnome-baby, unless you have an idea for me how to construct it where Sam won't eat or tear it. I got this gnome bib from ColbyLaneDesigns on Etsy for him to wear as part of the costume. Add a little long sleeve blue shirt and some pants and I'm set.

Nadscraft is so super sweet to do have made this hat for me. You should check out her shop, http://nadscraft.etsy.com . She is very talented with felt crafting. See that little cake above? FELT! So cute, right?! There are even complete kits with everything included to make these felt creations too. Thanks again, Nadia. :)

3 months old :)

I've been looking through my old baby development books for ideas of activities to play with Sam. He's discovered his tongue from one of these suggested games. He sticks his tongue out like a little lizard. He loves to get a reaction out of me by doing it.

Been working on tummy time and trying to get him to roll over, not quite there yet. When he coos, it's a hooo type sound. Dylan always made a cooo or dooo type sound and his first word was Da-da. Maybe Sam will say Ma-ma first? It will probably be ba-ba from loving all the bottles he guzzles down!By the way, I would recommend these bottles, Gerber Clear Views. They are cheaper than most and vented in the nipple area, but don't leak. I don't have spit up problems at all with these. My second recommendation would be the Playtex Vent-Aire bottles. They are awesome, but pricier and have more parts to keep up and clean. I've also had 2 of the bottom inserts mess up.

My Sleepy Valentine

I'm happy with how this came out :) I'm not the best at 2-pagers. I'm guessing this one looks good, because I followed Nichol Magouirk's sketch from her 2peas February Celebrate the Seasons class. As you can see, I'm wee bit behind; as I am on most scrappy things lately.

April 12 of 12--Easter Edition!

How I like to start my day: on the back porch with a cuppa with ice cubes so I can drink it right then!

Cliff working on the back yard in peace before the kids wake up. The entire back of the truck is filled to the top and he's no where near done.

Dylan is thrilled checking out his Easter basket! He said he saw the Easter Bunny while he was sleeping and that he's a pink boy one.

Easter egg hunt in the front yard. Almost all of these pictures are Dylan holding an egg just like this in front of his face telling me what color the egg is.

If you look closely in the air in the upper left hand side, you'll see a flying yellow egg. Also notice the eggs in the lower right hand side. Uh, yeah, Cliff and Dylan started an egg throwing fight. Typical of them two!

Cliff got a hair in his butt (ha ha, I kill myself with cheesy puns) and decided to shave the dog. Wilson loved it and looks like a little puppy now.

Dylan doing some birdwatching with his binoculars. He claims to have seen a red eyed sloth bird.

Their Great Grandma Joan stops by to visit. Dylan decides to go to her house to play for a few hours.

Mandatory self portrait in the car with Hubs too. I absolutely love over sized glasses and don't care how ridiculous I look.

Liberty Mutual is on my street corner and every day until Tax Day we see this guy advertising for them. He happily posed for this picture I took while at the stop sign.

Stopped by my Momma's house to pick up the boy's Easter baskets. She was happy to get a little one on one time with Sam.

Finishing our day off playing with Dylan's new chalks and watching Amazing Race. I think those two girls in the background on the t.v. (the basketball player team) are floating by and oughta be out already. It was a non-elimination round with the short stuntmen team more than likely set up to lose on the next episode.

melting my heart

So incredibly sweet. And here I was worried if Dylan was going to dislike Sam. I hope they grow up to be best friends.

Samuel Avery

Samuel Avery
February 2nd, 2009
7:26 AM
7 lbs. 12 oz.
20 1/4 inches

He's here! Healthy and big! He's the most calm and content baby. Hardly cries, makes little "raccoon noises"/grunts when upset. Sam is so strong. He held his head up off our shoulders his first night. He already tries to roll over, getting about 3/4's the way to doing it.

The Whole Long Drawn Out Story

We showed up for the c-section at 5 am. I wasn't taken back to a pre-op room until about 6 am. That's when it finally, after 9 months, set in that this was happening! I cried over a shot in my hip, but not over the spinal block. I'm silly that way. I think I was just starting to get too nervous and was eventually given something for that, as I was not able to stop shaking.

During the whole c-section, I was alert and aware of everything happening--something I was pretty concerned over before-hand. It was student nursing observation day or something of the sort, so I had a few of them in on the birth of Sam. One of them, Betty, held my hand and it was her first time viewing a birth. She is the one that took the pictures of Sam's actual birth in the O.R., which I'm very thankful about. We have few pictures of Dylan's birth.

Sam came out and I had to wait a minute or two and then Cliff brought him over to me. I was so happy to finally see his face. I just remember saying, "Hi Sam!" over and over. I was just amazed and babbling. Cliff had the biggest, proudest eyes. Cliff took Sam out to meet the family. I was off to recovery for about 3 hours due to having a low temperature.

Dylan had been waiting with his grandmas and papas. Our hospital has a little window where family can watch the baby get his check-up, bathed, etc. Dylan had been peeking through the blinds to this area very anxiously. He was ready to hold and feed his baby brother. Any shirt with writing on it says, "Sam is the little brother and Dylan is the big brother" according to Dylan. We got to go home only after 2 nights-- so happy, as I was being told 3 nights was the minimum and I should expect 4.

Second children really do mellow you out. I'm not as bossy and anal about how I want things done. I still have ideas on how I would like it, but don't stress/freak out when it doesn't happen that way. Maybe it is because Sam is so chill compared to Dylan? Or being 25 vs. 21 years old this time around? Or because I'm not nursing an episiotomy and already up riding in the car? Or that Cliff got 2 weeks leave for Sam vs. 4 days for Dylan? Probably a combo of all of this. :) I'm not good with babies, I'm just not. But, I am honestly happy.

in 2 weeks or less...

This is at 35 weeks. Dylan took this picture himself. I didn't purposely cut my head out, but I did straighten it out. Last night, I said something about I'm gonna be at home with my boys. My boys. Wow. That's weird to say. I'm more nervous than excited, but that's probably because I don't feel 100% prepared, but of course, you're never actually 100% prepared. I need to get some night gowns that I saw at Target that didn't look grandma-ish. Still need more bottles. I'd really like to get a haircut before-hand too.

C-sections are usually done a week before your due date. My doctor scheduled mine for 6 days ahead of time. I was thinking, well maybe he doesn't work on Sundays. Then he said Mondays are an add-on day of his, as he usually doesn't do them then. So a week or so passes... I find out the date of the Superbowl. It's the day before my C-section. Do you think that was done on purpose. :: squinty eye shift left to right::

Happy Martin Luther King Day! You know we love him in Georgia, almost all of our roads are named after him. :)